Let Me Clear My Mind

I think a silent blog is a sign of a clear mind. I haven't had much to say in a while, because there really isn't anything new that's been going on. I wish I could say the same is true right at this moment, but it isn't.

On April 4th of this year I lost one of my little brothers suddenly. He was only 22 years old and left behind a baby less than a year old. I've been wanting to open up about my feelings and the struggle that I have gone through because maybe it can help someone else, but its hard. Its hard to even think about letting the world know how I really feel and opening up to strangers and people who might even like the fact that I am having a hard time.

I never thought that at 27 years old I would have to know what it feels like to lose someone I love so much, and I never ever ever thought I would lose a sibling. I am the oldest one out of me and my 6 siblings...I should have been the one to die first, when we were all old and grey. Knowing that I will never see him again kills me. I didn't have as much time with him as the rest of my family did, because I've always lived so far away, but he was still my brother and we did still have some time together. This is the first time in my life that I have had to deal with the death of someone that I have loved. I've known people who have passed, I've known people who have loved someone who passed, but I have never actually felt it before. Now I do. I think of my brother before I finally fall asleep, I dream about him more often than not, and when I wake up I think of him. My only comfort when I'm feeling especially down and sad is that he isn't in pain anymore. I know he is in heaven with God, and he's happy. He's probably so happy to be able to live somewhere that he isn't plagued by his troubles. I'm pretty sure he's probably fishing every day, and catching one every time he throws his line out.

No one is perfect and every single person in this world has their share of problems and my brother wasn't immune to that. My brother was a kind soul. He was gentle, sensitive, caring, and so very funny. Losing him has really opened my eyes. I have always been a family person, I would rather spend all of my time with my family than any other people in the world, but now I have to. Realizing that I didn't really have as much time with John Phillip as I wish I had cuts me right to the core. I want to know that at the end of the day, I have made every effort to be as close to my family as possible. Does that mean I am going to be the annoying big sister that calls her little brothers and sister all the time? Absolutely. Will I be pestering my parents and step mom way more than I ever have before? You got it.

I wrote this post to share with you not just whats been going on lately, but also to get it off of my chest. I don't know if making something that is so hard for me public is the best idea, but right now it feels okay. I actually don't even know if anything I wrote makes any sense.

Hopefully with this post will come more because I sure do miss writing just for the fun of it!
I'll talk to you soon,
J